Five things I do to make this time of year easier

silly season is fun, but also often gruelling

This year, I’m not doing Christmas. I’m opting out of the festive season for an entire three weeks. As the eldest child of a very broken family, I feel like I’m betraying my younger brother and sister by departing - but I hope it enables them to do the same in future. I love my mum, my dad and my extended family. I do not believe they are capable of civility or a kind Christmas together yet. The italics are my symbol of hope.

This will be the second year in a row that I go to a foreign country for the big day. What I struggle with most is not missing my own family, but seeing the images of other families across socials. Long tables, beautiful dresses, seemingly healthy relationships. Backyards with pools, plates of oysters and branded presents with Rowan-Atkinson’s-Love-Actually level of wrapping paper. Christmas is my favourite time of year, but the dynamics of class, familial relationships and disordered eating patterns make it a tough one privately.

my big win this week was making this meme, posting it on Tik Tok with Silver Springs playing over the top and it getting 1.4 million views and 300,000 likes. Turns out everyone is traumatised. Thank you Ben Affleck holding Dunkin Donut iced latte and Fleetwood Mac iconic track.

Instead, I’m going to Europe. After almost two years of self-employment, I feel financially able to branch out from the Jetstar ‘fly there, return free’ deal that I have based the last few years of time-off around (but seriously we went to Japan last year for like $600 return it was fucking awesome).

I’ve never been to Europe before. COVID blocked me out of a few years of travel in my early 20’s and then running my own business and renting in Sydney blocked me some more. Finally, I am making my debut. Winter Christmas. Markets. Mulled Wine. What was planned as a romantic three weeks away has abruptly become a girls trip with my best friend. I am excited, we leave in 12 days.

My Christmas plans are a privileged position to be in, and no this is not my hot tip on how to make this time of year a little easier. It does beg the question actually, maybe I should seek out a cruise line or travel group to partner with next year though and we do an ‘if you’re family is fucked, this is the holiday for you’ replacement Christmas together. Buffet and all. Pacific islands preferable to fighting with your misogynist uncle.

My long winded start is getting to this: I find this time of year to be a complicated cocktail of feelings. There are a few simple things I do to regulate my emotions and ensure that I’m not sent over the edge. You often can’t avoid fucked up opinions and people, but you can give yourself the following small graces. I would love to hear your coping/thriving mechanisms in the comments below.

1. Mute the accounts of people you love, but that tap into a core wound

I follow a lot of amazing women who run extremely successful global businesses, give me recipes and home workouts, and provide fashion and styling tips. I respect, admire and learn from these women. I also know that my self-perception struggles this time of year. This is on me, but more-so it is on the industries and infrastructure that have taught me to feel like a failure in comparison to the beautiful size eight wearing a $400 top.

I don’t want to unfollow these women. In fact I want to like every post and pay them and tell them one more time that they’ve changed my life with their incredible and accessible content. I want to deal with myself and my emotions and subconscious need to compare. But at Christmas, it can be an easy week to just mute the accounts that strike at that insecurity. In the new year, I’ll go back and like their posts - continue scrolling their content and feel refreshed. We can acknowledge that it is not on these women to hold responsibility for my emotional response - but it also isn’t bad to just prioritise getting through the week unscathed by the curse of comparison. Hey, if you’re upset by my content in Paris I encourage you to hit that ‘fuck off’ button on me. Fair game.

2. Buy yourself a gift for under the tree (it should be an activity)

Gift giving and receiving is a vulnerable act. I consider myself to be thoughtful when it comes to presents and claim to not care about what I receive THAT much - but I know it can feel strangely hollow to not get a gift or it not be something that you actually desire. If a Christmas gift is a nicety, a thanks and a show of love - it makes sense to get one for yourself on all special occasions. It is fun to wrap something, place special meaning on selecting it and have the excitement of accessing it on the 25th of December. For me, I choose something that will keep me occupied: a book, a hobby, a thing TO DO, because if I am struggling on Christmas Day it can become a focus point for a few hours. A gift card won’t do that or necessarily shift how I’m feeling.

3. Scour the internet for good new content

It is a busy time of year, but I find it to be one of often being left alone with your own thoughts. While there are a lot of events, sometimes just being at home for a day while everyone in the world is busy can feel strangely trapping. I make a list of podcasts, tv, movies and reading to do over this period that I haven’t got to throughout the year. This way, instead of moping I just take myself for a walk or start something. It feels fresh and distracting (yes, it is okay to want to avoid your thoughts during this period - you don’t always have to ‘do the work’ and ‘feel the discomfort’ even though I often advocate for this). I’m going to be watching The West Wing for the first time (yes I know, shocking I haven’t) and finishing The Vampire Diaries, reading All Fours by Miranda July and A Language of Limbs by Dylin Hardcastle, and listening to Tortoise’s podcast series’ Sweet Bobby and Who Trolled Amber?

4. Communicate clearly

Something I continue to reckon with in dismantling my people-pleasing behaviours is how much I offer to others and how vague I am in these interactions. This is entirely a problem I need to take responsibility for. I over-promise, make half-arsed plans and get upset when something I’ve provided air or a ‘maybe’ to is then asked or expected of me. This is my fault. Why did I say I could get coffee or have a meeting at this point in the year when I’m overbooked and don’t want to? Why did I suggest I could bring dessert and nibblies instead of just saying ‘cheese platter is my game - but I won’t be up to baking’. Often I am my own worst enemy. I am not a woman of mystery or silence, but one resolution I have is to foresee my own emotional state and learn to just say what I actually mean instead of doing the most for zero reason unhappily. No one actually cares. Contribute what you are capable of and earnest about and stop overdoing it. People pleasing means little when you don’t have the energy and presence to back it. I know I would rather someone turn up with nothing and a smile (or not come at all), than to be miserable or begrudging about their own existence at an event!

Photo by Alex Hu on Unsplash (I would bring a woolies mudcake to the party, not this)

5. Clean the slate

There are a few actions I take to clear the deck before it’s time for resolutions and the repetitive ‘finding myself’ energy of 1 Jan. I cancel subscriptions I don’t use. I am going to (for the first time) plan out some periodic breaks through the year. I go through the list of people I follow and try to notice how they make me feel (many people follow someone because they like to be critical and judgemental of them, this is normal but something to actively choose to stop participating in). I find 15 new people to follow (some who I disagree with, others that I just find interesting). I sell things online that I don’t use and I donate a big bag of clothes that I haven’t worn in six months to my local op shop. I don’t make lists of goals or do strategy days, this isn’t a back-to-work exercise for me. I take action on the tasks I’ve been avoiding that feel like they’re clearing out a filing cabinet in my brain. I cook a new meal for the first time. I try and find a new outfit from pieces I already have in my wardrobe. I get some photos printed to refresh the frames catching dust. I do things just because it hits reset, saves some money and feels like the best kind of life admin.

What is your Christmas looking like? How are you feeling about it? What is something special you do during this period for yourself?

H.