Heated Rivalry is hot in more ways than one

The gay love story shows us a romance where intimacy and equality can co-exist.

Heated Rivalry gives us what many straight romances can’t: rough sex without the misogyny, writes Georgia Kalyniuk Stepanovna.

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In the six weeks since its premiere, “gay hockey show” Heated Rivalry has dominated the cultural conversation in a way that has been a surprise to many - me included.

For members of the queer community, like myself, the draw is obvious. As a teenager, I spent countless hours consuming queer media online, in search of the stories I didn’t have the confidence or courage to seek in real life. It is powerfully affirming to see a queer love story hit the mainstream, particularly when it has been made so beautifully and respectfully, acknowledging the existence of gay love within men’s professional sports (where it is still taboo).

It’s been a joy to see the positive reception this show has received, but while I knew I’d love it, everyone else’s obsession took me by surprise. Many people are asking: why do straight women find Heated Rivalry so hot?

The first answer, for anyone attracted to men, is that these men are hot! And they are doing hot stuff! But there is something more that Heated Rivalry gives us, which straight romance struggles to portray: romance involving men that portrays masculinity alongside tenderness, love, and communication.

Even with the overwhelming availability of porn (or perhaps, because of it), there are limited examples of this. Of course, many of the sex scenes in Heated Rivalry are not tender, but these scenes show something their straight equivalents do not: roughness without misogyny.

We know that the normalisation of violence against women in pornography is having a real-time effect on our sex and relationships in Australia. I’ve talked with friends about how normalised rough sex has become in our hook-up culture, with men often presuming that their female partner wants to engage in extreme sexual acts without clear consent or discussion beforehand.

While this is not exclusive to the heterosexual experience, it’s true that mainstream discussions and portrayals of relationships between men and women are disproportionately laden with violence. Heated Rivalry’s sex scenes show us an alternative – hot sex, both tender and rough, which does not involve the use of acts or language grounded in patriarchal dominance.

The impact of misogyny on straight relationships stretches beyond the bedroom, too. Even when couples make a conscious effort to address the impact of patriarchy on their relationship, it is hard to escape, because no person can be divorced from their upbringing or culture. And here in Australia, we undoubtedly have a problem with sexism. I see it manifest every day: from families dividing by gender when it’s time to wash up after Christmas lunch, to the astoundingly high rate at which women and children are murdered. As a woman, I am constantly reminded that we are still fighting for equality and safety in our personal lives.

Much of the time, women in relationships with men are expected to put up with poor treatment grounded in that same ideology. I hear frequently from female friends about how a male partner crowds their space, goes through their phone, doesn’t bother to get them anything on Mother’s Day, or doesn’t know how to do their own washing.

Thankfully, we are starting to talk about this more and call it out for what it is - unacceptable. Women are telling ourselves and each other that we deserve better; that we will not tolerate coercive control, weaponised incompetence, or bearing the emotional labour. But how exhausting it is.

I feel this exhaustion in my own relationship. Even though my male partner supports me and pulls his weight in our household, I find myself often wishing he understood why some things matter to me so much, though they seem insignificant. A fight over how he (incorrectly) put the dishes away is, for me, a fight against the presumption that it is my role and responsibility to know where those dishes live, and not his.

In trying to fight against the influence of the patriarchy on our relationship, we cannot escape its looming presence. I would like to not think about it at all. Not to have to challenge the presumptions of others, nor my own internalised judgments. And my partner - who, much like Shane Hollander, is a sweet neurodivergent man - would undoubtedly like some space to make mistakes (about the dishes or otherwise) without them carrying the weight of the failings of men generally.

For women in relationships with cis men, standing our ground about how we expect to be treated often comes with another requirement – that we must be the communicator and the patient teacher. For things to improve, we must also bear the weight of fixing them.

Heated Rivalry shows us a fantasy. These men, while hopeless at communication, are able to work through their flaws for the benefit of their relationship, without having to be told how to do it. Neither partner shoulders the burden of fixing the other’s behaviour. We still see the impact of the patriarchy on their relationship, given that Heated Rivalry’s Shane and Ilya feel they cannot live or love openly whilst continuing their sporting careers. But, they are undoubtedly bearing that weight together. That’s why it’s so hot.

The relationship is by no means perfect. But it does show an alternative vision of men in love – men being loved – where intimacy and equality between partners can co-exist. Not just for women, who are grappling with misogyny in our personal lives. But for men too, who deserve a love that allows them to be flawed, and who owe it to themselves to be capable of change - of their own volition.

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About the author

Georgia Kalyniuk Stepanovna

Georgia is a queer Ukrainian-Australian gendered violence advocate, writer and lawyer. Originally from Perth Boorloo, she is currently based on Larrakia land in Darwin. Georgia’s work focuses on domestic, family and sexual violence and themes of trauma and identity, and as a lawyer her practice has also focused on ethics and human rights.

For more from Georgia, you can follow her on Substack or Instagram.