Why are so many men reenacting bad porn and calling it dominance?
Heterosexual porn has normalised a script where aggression is central and female pleasure is optional. That’s not dominance; it’s entitlement, writes Sydney-based sexologist Kiara Sasha.
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I’m single, straight, and navigating the modern dating scene. Lately, I’ve observed a significant shift. One that speaks volumes about our current cultural landscape:
It seems that everyone is a self-proclaimed “dominant.”
This has become a kind of dating shorthand, a way for men to signal sexual confidence or depth. Swipe through any app and you’ll find bios boasting about being a “dom,” “alpha,” or “in control.” Yet, when you scratch the surface, this rarely translates to genuine power exchange or erotic communication. More often, it’s about performance.
As a sexologist, I understand what real dominance entails - the kind cultivated within kink communities. It’s not about barking orders or treating someone as a prop. True dominance is built on trust, informed consent, ongoing negotiation, and mutual pleasure. It’s deeply emotional, relational, and intimate.
However, the “dominance” I frequently encounter on dating apps and in early conversations is something entirely different.
One man I spoke to recently stands out. We had been chatting for a while before our conversation veered into sexual territory. I barely uttered a word before he launched into what can only be described as a monologue:
“Be a good girl and do everything I say.”
“Take me in your mouth until you choke.”
“Bend over and take it.”
For me, this wasn’t sexy; it wasn’t intimate. It was a script, lifted straight from mainstream pornography. When I told him that kind of sex wasn’t for me, he didn’t pause, check in, or ask what was for me. He doubled down.
“I’m a dominant,” he declared, as if that explained everything. It didn’t.
Because what he was performing wasn’t dominance. It was entitlement. Ego-driven, one-sided, and utterly disconnected from my pleasure. And he’s not an outlier. This shallow version of “dominance” has unfortunately become ingrained in our cultural landscape.
A huge part of why this has happened is because mainstream pornography has become a primary, informal source for both men and women to learn how to behave sexually (Zebroff, 2023). Pornography often presents a skewed reality. Particularly in heterosexual content, it normalises a script where aggression is central and female pleasure is optional. Research consistently shows that mainstream heterosexual porn frequently depicts aggression towards women, often sidelining their actual pleasure. These aren’t just statistics; they represent powerful social conditioning.
Social learning theory explains that much of our behaviour is picked up vicariously, by watching others (Miller & McBain, 2022). When men repeatedly see aggressive acts in porn, especially male-on-female aggression where women consistently react with pleasure or neutrality, it creates a problematic picture of what “good sex” looks like.
This picture often shows the man as taking charge, doing things to a female partner whose pleasure is secondary or just assumed. This teaches a dangerous lesson; that these acts are not only acceptable but desirable, leading men to wrongly assume they’ll be well-received in real-life sex without ever needing to ask or get consent.
My issue isn’t with specific acts in consensual BDSM or kink, which are built on clear agreement. It’s about when porn’s scripts are followed blindly, ignoring a partner’s true desires and boundaries.
This influence isn’t just affecting women. The pressure to perform dominance also weighs heavily on men. Many face an expectation to be endlessly assertive, emotionally detached, and sexually skilled, even when this doesn’t align with their true selves or desires. A lot of men are performing control not because it feels natural, but because they’ve learned it’s what’s expected. The result is a kind of emotional paralysis, where genuine connection feels unsafe and vulnerability is perceived as failure.
The truth is, many men crave intimacy, gentleness, and mutual exploration, but the current sexual script leaves little room for such desires. When “dominance” becomes a default, everyone loses. Women are disconnected from their pleasure, and men are disconnected from their authenticity.
Ultimately, this isn’t just about bad dirty talk. It’s about how we’ve outsourced our erotic imagination to porn algorithms. It’s about how men are socialised to perform power rather than intimacy, and how women are still expected to perform openness rather than genuine desire.
Real dominance, like real intimacy, requires care, curiosity, and explicit consent. It demands accountability, not ego. It centres mutuality, not marketability.
So, when a man declares he’s “dominant,” but his version of dominance looks exactly like the porn he grew up watching - that’s not erotic confidence. That’s bad porn with a rebrand.
References
Miller, D. J., & McBain, K. A. (2022). The content of contemporary, mainstream pornography: A literature review of content analytic studies. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 17(2), 219–256.
Zebroff, P. (2023). Gender differences in duration and location of erotic touch in mainstream heterosexual pornography. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 32(3), 384–397.
About the author
Kiara Sasha
Kiara Sasha is a teacher-turned-sexologist based in Sydney. After a decade in education, she recently completed her Master of Sexology and now works in the field of sexual health and education. Her areas of interest include the intersection of sex and disability, female sexual health, and pleasure-focused education. You can find out more about Kiara’s work on website, or on Instagram, @kiarasashasexologist.
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What a great starting point for conversation. I am interested that the author has avoided the word rape and instead described this so-called 'dom' behaviour as a porn-inspired script. The man she conversed with was not offering a script, he was informing the author that his minimum expectation was the absence of consent. And we have a word for that - rape.
The conflation of male sexual satisfaction with violence is as old as Methuselah. It doesn't start with Pornhub, it starts in the home, in sports and on every streaming service. What we are dealing with is a contemporary porn industry that has made public what was previously private: 'locker room talk.' And in the process has legitimised sexual violence as a means of income.
"So, when a man declares he’s “dominant,” but his version of dominance looks exactly like the porn he grew up watching - that’s not erotic confidence. That’s bad porn with a rebrand."
I challenge the author that it is a dangerous obfuscation to describe the desire for sexual violence as '... bad porn with a rebrand.' It limits the points of reference, creating an entirely synthetic isolation of a significant social crisis whose peak expression is femicide.
But I will reaffirm that this article is a great jumping-off point for deeper discussion and exploration.
Very informative article